On a dinner party last week a young guy asked me:
“How is it to be blind? It was my biggest fear when I would hurt my eye. I think I wouldn’t survive. I would not want to live anymore.”
I was touched by how open and vulnerable he asked me this question. And I was proud and delighted to notice that my answer was so genuine and true.
“It really is not as bad as you would think.”
How amazing that I can say this from the bottom of my heart and feel deep inside that this is exactly how it feels for me at that moment. Being blind is really not as bad as I had made it before.
I will be the first to say that the world is not made for blind people. A lot of things are extremely unpractical and deeply annoying. Yes. It does suck often.
But not wanting to live anymore has honestly never crossed my mind. I am blessed with such a deep lust for life, to cease every single moment of what has been given to me, that it has prevented me from refusing this life.
I felt the relief in the young man’s deep sigh. He was still wrapping his brain around my words. I could only smile at him and send him all my trust. The likelihood of him becoming blind one day is not that high, so I knew it did not really make sense, yet I still said:
“You would be fine. You would still have an amazing life ahead if that would ever happen to you.”
I felt his despair when he asked: “really?”
It touched me to feel someone else’s fear, to know that that fear has been a part of me for so long, yet it never took over control in my life. I felt grounded and light after this encounter.
From my own consciousness training, I know that what you deny in yourself, will get back to you in another form. The universe is whole and so are we. We hold everything that exists within us.
That means that I am made out of hope and trust as much as I made out of despair and fear. both ends of the polarity are within me.
When I deny or forget about the one end, it will make its way back into my life in one way or another. This is the basic shadow principle of Debbie Ford. (Google her if you want to know more)
The moment my ego embraced the trust and groundedness in that conversation, I started to clinch to it. “Wow, how beautiful that I feel this. Wow, how great that I made it so far that I can say this.”
“I should make sure I keep feeling like this.”
And there I go, I hold on to it, I attach myself to it. I add credit on my self worth account by having those views, thoughts and feelings.
And hoppa, set up for a shadow creation the moment I clinch to feeling a certain way or having a certain opinion on something.
With gratitude I notice, in the middle of the night, that I have learnt something. I have learnt to spot the tiniest shadow quickly.
So I was being proud of being okay with blindness. Well, the next thing I know, I put myself in a victim mode. I started to see things I am not able to do everywhere. I started to have silly fights over nothing with my partner and it all came down to me feeling less because of blindness.
And then, in the middle of the night it came out.
I could not stop the tears from running down my face. After a minute or 2 I squeezed it out of my throat:
“I don’t want this life. I don’t want to be blind. I know it has brought me many beautiful things, but I’m just so fucking done with it.”
Once I opened the box of pandora, I was unstoppable. I kept talking, while my partner held me in gentleness.
“I know it made me a better coach and it has brought me many insights. But now I just want to see again. I don’t want this life like this. I just want to see.”
The pain was cutting through my body. I almost literary felt my heart breaking into pieces. As if I deeply mourned the loss.
As painful and sad it was, it was powerful and beautiful beyond measure. The purest pain, without any type of cover up or looking good. The raw version of that other end of the polarity.
Despair in its stripped version.
“I just don’t want this anymore.”
The magic in these moments is the emptiness that follows.
After the last tears dried up I shared with my partner that I felt so empty. Like a blank page. Nothing showed up in my mind. Nothing needed anything. Pure space.
When the pain was completed, I started to share all the things that I miss so much. I fantasised about driving a car. I would pick him up, instead of him driving me everywhere. I would ride a bike through the city. I would make pictures and watch beautiful landscapes. I would walk around in cities I don’t know and just wonder. I would sit and watch people walking by. I would gaze into my partner’s eyes and know what he is thinking. I would write in a journal and make drawings for him. How lovely would it all be?
And while letting my heart speak and share what it is longing for, I realised something new.
I would start missing my life as it is now, with the blindness. As much as it surprised me, I knew it was true.
I am granted a lifestyle and a way of looking at things, thanks to being blind, that is unique. I feel so deeply, my senses are so sharp. I am unique and beautiful with my blindness and I know it, deep inside. I am so sure that this is right for me. My business is called Insight Out for a reason. Becoming blind is my path and it serves me very well.
For a second it confused me. I so profoundly felt the pain and despair a minute before. And now I’m saying I would miss blind life?
Yes I really would. And this is why:
I think I would get addicted to the sighted life and would sooner or later forget all the lessons I learnt. I would not need those sharp senses as much as I do now. So I would get lazy with it. And I would maybe loose skills and powers I have built through my blind years.
After a few breaths I said:
“You know what? Let’s do sighted Saturdays. I just save up all the driving cars and riding bikes, landscapes and eye gazing for Saturdays. One day a week I would enjoy sighted life and the rest of the week I will enjoy life as a blind person and further develop those skills and practice awareness.”
For me this is what balance looks like. I embrace my pain and give it space, as much as it needs to be expressed and felt. Yet I don’t loose the acceptance and gratitude I feel for the life I have now and for what blindness has thought me.
It really does not matter that sighted Saturdays are, so far, not a realistic option in my life. I know that it ain’t gonna happen like that. But that isn’t the point.
It is the allowance of all feelings, yearning, desires and pain that creates the balance. It is not what I have or don’t have, it is my experience of it that creates happiness or misery.
What about your life? What is your heart dying to tell you? What do you so deeply desire but do not allow yourself to just feel, only for the lame reason that it is not realistic right now?
I invite you to dive in, dive deeply into your longings and give them space.
What is stopping you from experiencing life fully?
Insights sparked? Moved or inspired?
I love to hear all about it!
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