Insight Out

Paralysing Who am I?

By Mei Lan

Lately, the paralysing questions “Who am I?” or “What do I want?” make me tired and mutinous.
I refuse to answer those questions. I become rebellious when I see friends around me struggle with those questions.
I want to scream in their ear: “Stop! It does not matter!”

In spiritual circles you also here: “What is your soul’s purpose?”
AAAARRRGGGHH!!! Does not matter.

I start to get this carelessness over me. I don’t really care who I am or what I want with this life.
The only thing that matters for me is what I feel like doing right now and what my soul wants to experience today.

For the down-to-earth’ers and mindfullness’ers amongst us, the here and now is the only thing that matters anyway.
For those amongst us who believe in a soul’s purpose of true path, I can say:
You don’t know what the universe has in store for you anyhow.
“The universe plays funny tricks” or “God’s will…” etc. In that case, we might as well blindly trust and follow our intuition.

I am truly convinced that when I follow my intuition or do what makes me feel alive and authentic right now, I am on the right track automatically.

Sometimes I have no clue what will follow when I ask a client a certain question. Often I have no idea why it seems fun to sit in the back or front of a train. And when I look back at it afterwards, there was always a good reason to do so.

But also with bigger questions, I follow my intuition more and more.
When I met my current partner and finally decided to dive into this adventure with him, I could not know that we would travel together, that we would do evening walks and find our new home together. I could not have known that this man opens my heart, would hold up mirrors for me and make me grow in all these ways. And still it was the right decision.

I just followed what felt, in the here and now,
right, authentic and alive. The rest is up to the universe.

When I look for my soul’s purpose or ‘who I am’, I feel that I block myself.
Once upon a time I decided I was the one who would bring peace in Palestine, or at least make a difference. Then I decided I was a radio producer. And then I was a social worker.
In all three of the cases I could have stayed with the decision and use the label as a compass and it was a great help back then.
I would really have felt restricted as well.
I would have closed my eyes for all other opportunities passing by. With a tunnel vision I would have lived my life.
Not bad, but less rich and more limited.
By letting go of more and more labels, or only take on labels ‘for now’ I feel free, rich and creative.
Sometimes I also feel out of control, without direction or purpose. The only real purpose is the here and now, to take in fully, drink it and absorb it, here and now.
That doesn’t give any guarantees for something beautiful tomorrow and that is frightening.
It does give guarantees for true fulfilment here and now.

Since I have quit asking myself who I am and instead ask myself ‘who do I want to be right now? And now? And now?’ it has become a daily exercise.
With every decision I challenge myself to not think from who I had decided yesterday I was gonna be.
When I find a combination of clothes weird ‘because I never wear such a thing”, it is time to let go of that image of myself, of the label.
When I was looking for a new home, I let go of ‘what suits me’.
But also: What do I want to eat? What do I feel like right now?
With small and big decisions I stay as much as I can in the here and now and remind myself that I may always change my mind.

The more frequently I ask myself the question ‘who am I right now?’ or “what do I want right now?”, I start get closer and closer to my core. The closer I am to my core, the more often the answer appear to be the same.

Does that mean that there is one right answer? Is there one (right) core of who I am?

AAARRRGGGHH!!! No! Stop! Mindfuck!
Does. Not. Mateer.
Stay in the here and now! 🙂