Insight Out

I choose life

By Mei Lan

After a rare disease, I became visually impaired when I was 5 years old.
I lost my eye sight slowly over the years until practically blind at the age of 14. I could still see a bit, but not much.
The doctors had hope for me. They could do a cornea transplant when my body would be fully grown at the age of 18.
So, long story short, I went through childhood and puberty with this amazing idea of my future: Yes, I was blind, but it was only for a while.
I would finish high school and go through the surgery as a hero.
I would give a huge party to celebrate that I’m no longer blind. I would wear a beautiful dress and soon after would leave for a trip around the world all by myself.
I would assist blind people, for the first time being the one offering help, not depending on it.
I would start playing tennis football and ride a bike, drive a car.
The list is endless. I had an awesome plan for my life from the surgery onwards.

Do you hear it coming?
Well, I didn’t.

When I was 16 I was in a doctors appointment where they told me that my eyes were so damaged that even if they would perform the surgery, I wouldn’t gain a lot of sight. The nerves had to take too much pressure over the years. The connection to my brain was permanently damaged and I wouldn’t be able to see more than a flash of light, not even being able to read very large print or ride a bike. So the surgery, basically, wasn’t worth the effort.

My world didn’t crumble. My future crumbled. And I had know idea who I was supposed to be or become.

It took me a couple of days to get through the tears, another couple of weeks to get back on track in school and daily life and another couple of years to fully allow myself to be with the grieve and the loss. I moved on, with a bit more struggle and a bit more reflection on what it now means to be blind for the rest of my life. This is a whole different ball game.

I could still see a bit of light and dark differences and sometimes colours, if the room was really clear and the contrast was big enough, I could see certain patterns and shapes. It wasn’t much, but it was something and I decided to hold on to that little bit as passionately as I could. Unconsciously, I promised to not let anyone take another piece away from me.
And together with that unconscious promise, I also promised myself to be as ‘normal’ and as ‘not blind’ as I could. I would do everything I could possibly think of and not be limited by this disability. I would not allow myself to be that pitiful blind person.
I had always been a strong character, even before the illness, I was a stubborn toddler and pretty hard headed. Yet, I’m convinced that the bad news conversation at the age of 16 fuelled the fire even more.
I was sure and clear: I will not be limited. I will fight the blindness as long as I can.

Great attitude for sure, it brought me to art university, gave me a degree in radio production and documentary making. It brought me to Costa Rica to live and study there for a year at the UN mandated university for peace. It brought me to Palestine for an internship as a peace builder. It brought me many things and great adventures.
My attitude of being a fighter and strong girl gave me comfort and security.
I was 24 and about to master the art of being strong and pushing through, if that doesn’t sound too arrogant. 😉

And hell yes, it was tough and exhausting.
So then life brought the next challenge.
My one eye I was still seeing light and dark, colours and shapes with started to fail me. The cornea just broke apart without reason. I don’t want to bother you readers with bloody details, but basically the eye just snaps like a balloon and starts to disappear. This is dangerous, because it gives a direct gateway to the brain and if not treated, this easily leads to brain infections and after a long time, to death. Scary, I thought so, but mostly irritating. I was about to master the strong girl act, I was very busy proving to the world that I could do everything and I was even more busy convincing myself that I’m not really blind. So, no time for physical issues such as this one.
Luckily, life always knows best where you need to be. And I needed to be at home, standing still and reflecting. And making a different choice for my life.

I had 3 pretty desperate eye surgeries to recover the eye and to maintain the bit of eye sight that was left. It worked 3 times in 4 months and I kept the eye sight during this period. But at a cost:
I wasn’t allowed to move, I wasn’t allowed to cough or sneeze and I couldn’t do any type of physical activity because the eye was simply to fragile and I risked to loose the eye entirely.
From a girl who trained capoeira 4 times a week, ran the 20km race, loved to be upside down on a trapeze and mostly loved surfing on the Costa Rican waves, I went to a girl that had 3 different pairs of pyjama’s just because I couldn’t wear much else when being on the couch and listening to audiobooks, while my eye was slowly healing, itching like crazy and full of painful stitches.
I was frustrated and felt like I was barely living my life.
24 and slowly turning into a plant.

I had a choice now: to continue going from surgery to surgery and staying at home with the restricted movement, living in fear of it happening again
OR letting go of what I held on to for so long and letting my eye be removed and replaced with an artificial eye.
The latter meant not seeing anything anymore, but being free to move, jump, surf, run and live.
Now, it sounds to me like a no brainer, but back then it was the hardest choice I ever had to make. My entire life was built on first dreaming of regaining full eye sight and then on holding on to the tiny bit of eye sight, ‘as if’ my life depended on it.
I was so attached to this little bit of light. It was the only thing I thought I really had.
Some tears and long conversations with family, doctors and my partner later, I made the decision: I would let go of the security hook I had and jump into the deep darkness.

My eye would be removed 5 days after my 25th birthday. I was ready for a new chapter.

On the night before my surgery, I received a message from a very dear friend.
“I wish for you that the 29th of July 2016 will become a special day in the most beautiful way you can think of.”
I realised thanks to her words, that I made a choice that is not only bad. That there is a very positive side to this decision.
I worded it the morning of the surgery on the phone to a dear friend:
“I am choosing life today. Life without my foot on the break, life without limits.”

I was scared as hell. And I jumped anyway,
Into the unknown with full trust that life would catch me.

After recovering, I was so excited to get out of bed, I couldn’t wait for life to start.
I just felt so alive!

I couldn’t see physically, but my perception of things is sharper than ever before.
You can call it intuition, third eye or just sensorial perception. I don’t care what you call it, I just know that it makes my life rich. I have clear insight in people and situations, I have a very colourful experience of life every day.

The moment I let go of physically trying to see, I made space for real seeing and deeper insight.

Since that day, I have fallen asleep and forgotten about my choice often.
And I am able to wake up and choose again and again. My entire system knows very well how amazing it feels to choose life fully.
Life, here and now, in the full presence of reality.
I choose life and I welcome every bit of it, including the pain, including grief over loss and including blindness.

My invitation to you is to have a look what attachment you are holding on to and what would it look like if you let it go? How would it free up energy for something else in your life?