Insight Out

Birthday bumps

By Mei Lan

Every year the day before my birthday I seem to get super emotional over nothing.
Today is the last day of me being 28 years old.
I stupidly bumped my nose against the edge of the table when I picked something up of the floor.
The pain was sharp and went away quickly. My emotional rage and sadness washed over me as a wave. A wave of childlike sadness and pure anger: “Why does this happen to me?”
What a silly feeling, totally out of proportion with what happened.
After an even more ridiculous fight with my partner I received a phone call from a friend saying she will cancel our dinner date for next week.
For all good reasons – Corona, health concerns etc.
I fully respect and understand her decision, but BAM, the tears started streaming again.

After drying my face I realised the same happened last year some days before I turned 28.

In the middle of the night I woke up in full panic.
I realised that it was a possibility that everybody would forget about me on my birthday.
I just saw the option existing in this universe that simply no one would call me or wish me a happy birthday.
It was not that I really thought or believed people would forget about me, it was only that the possibility EXISTS, somewhere in the universe.
The vaste, overwhelming truth of all possibility existing somewhere in this universe made me cry and cry. I wasn’t sad while I cried. I was not feeling the personal, human emotion of me being unhappy.
I can only describe it as feeling a deep loneliness that wasn’t mine. As if I felt the pain of humanity or the grieve of planet earth.

Or something else crazily spiritually bullshitty. 🙂

I am convinced somehow that tapping into this big sensations is making my life richer, fuller and more real.
It is as if our emotional life is an onion that can be peeled off in layers.
Every outer layer is a shield that we have created to protect ourselves.
With every layer of protection we loose depth of our sensations.
So when I get blown away by a wave of this deep, dark loneliness I am somewhere aware of the riche and full life it is giving me.

At the risk that you’ll think I am really crazy, I will describe it as if there are two parts of me.
One is the person, the identity Mei Lan. She is sad, afraid that people will leave her and forget about her. I guess we could also call her the ego.
The other one is calm, observing and has a clear view on the future and the bigger picture. She smiles and holds the sadness in her arms.
I guess this could be then my higher Self or my soul? Who knows what she is, I can only say that she gives me balance and joy.

And while my ego will be celebrating my 29th birthday tomorrow, she, the soul of the Self, will smile widely and spread love all over the party.